forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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