woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
