I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Randomize
