The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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