I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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