And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
