bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
