I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Let's paint friendship bongs
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
