I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
