Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
