So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
