I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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