so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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