Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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