just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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