In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
