I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
