so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
