he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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