Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
