Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
