I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
