Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
