Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
