My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
