hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
