I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
