shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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