Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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