woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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