im drinking this country out of the recession.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
