I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
