So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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