Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
