He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize