I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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