D3 body, D1 cock
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
