Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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