According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
