I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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