Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
