I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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