i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
