It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
