i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
There's even glitter on my cock...
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