When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
