i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
