at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My feet surprised me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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