if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
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