The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
