Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
