omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
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I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life