if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now