you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
