i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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