Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
