My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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