oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
