I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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