I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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