There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
