So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
