i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
